It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
