And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
