she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
