Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
