Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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