I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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