Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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