So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
