If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
