someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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