the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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