is your mom at the bar?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
