I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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