I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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