I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
