I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
