Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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