im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
