I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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