shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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