I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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