I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
