how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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