I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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