porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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