Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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