Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You can't special order awesome
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
