I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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