If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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