I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize