We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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