The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize