Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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