as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize