nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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