you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
