I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
