I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize