Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
