I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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