he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
