If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
