Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
