Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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