her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think I have vodka in my lungs
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
