I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
