You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
