Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
