She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
