Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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