did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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