Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
