Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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