I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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