like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
