Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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