my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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