some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
