we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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