This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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