Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
