I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
