she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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