today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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